Communication Lesson
Communication is essentially about sending and receiving messages. In our relationships we want information to flow safely and effectively to and from our spouses. The following lesson is the basic skills and understanding that couples need to communicate efficiently. Practice these skills daily. If you master using the skills with pleasant topics, you will more likely communicate efficiently during more difficult disagreements.
Let's preface the lesson with one overarching new idea. Couples should be fighting to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD not fighting to WIN. Oftentimes, when a couple's communication breaks down they are no longer interested in proving our point. Their only objective in the moment is to verbally destroy their opponent. Be honest, in a heated argument you don't even see your spouse anymore. They have suddenly turned into an enemy that must be annihilated! The problem is that they are in fact still your spouse and your relationship has to survive this disagreement. If you both make the commitment to "fight to be heard" than you will begin to communicate information and ideas rather than verbally abuse each other in order to gain ground in the battle of wills. Your communication with your spouse can be effective if you following these guidelines and practice daily.
In order to understand interpersonal communication fully, here is some background on transactional analysis. We will refer to these ideas as we discuss communication skills in your relationship.
early transactional analysis theory and model
Taken from: http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm
In the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis. He said that verbal communication, particularly face to face, is at the centre of human social relationships and psychoanalysis. His starting-point was that when two people encounter each other, one of them will speak to the other. This he called the Transaction Stimulus. The reaction from the other person he called the Transaction Response. The person sending the Stimulus is called the Agent. The person who responds is called the Respondent.
Transactional Analysis became the method of examining the transaction wherein: 'I do something to you, and you do something back'.
Berne also said that each person is made up of three alter ego states:
Parent Adult Child
These terms have different definitions than in normal language.
Parent
This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts and uncles, Father Christmas and Jack Frost. Our Parent is made up of a huge number of hidden and overt recorded playbacks. Typically embodied by phrases and attitudes starting with 'how to', 'under no circumstances', 'always' and 'never forget', 'don't lie, cheat, steal', etc, etc. Our parent is formed by external events and influences upon us as we grow through early childhood. We can change it, but this is easier said than done.
Child
Our internal reaction and feelings to external events form the 'Child'. This is the seeing, hearing, feeling, and emotional body of data within each of us. When anger or despair dominates reason, the Child is in control. Like our Parent we can change it, but it is no easier.
Adult
Our 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. The adult in us begins to form at around ten months old, and is the means by which we keep our Parent and Child under control. If we are to change our Parent or Child we must do so through our adult.
In other words:
- Parent is our 'Taught' concept of life
- Adult is our 'Thought' concept of life
- Child is our 'Felt' concept of life
When we communicate we are doing so from one of our own alter ego states, our Parent, Adult or Child. Our feelings at the time determine which one we use, and at any time something can trigger a shift from one state to another. When we respond, we are also doing this from one of the three states, and it is in the analysis of these stimuli and responses that the essence of Transactional Analysis lies.
At the core of Berne's theory is the rule that effective transactions (ie successful communications) must be complementary. They must go back from the receiving ego state to the sending ego state. For example, if the stimulus is Parent to Child, the response must be Child to Parent, or the transaction is 'crossed', and there will be a problem between sender and receiver.
If a crossed transaction occurs, there is an ineffective communication. Worse still either or both parties will be upset. In order for the relationship to continue smoothly the agent or the respondent must rescue the situation with a complementary transaction.
In serious break-downs, there is no chance of immediately resuming a discussion about the original subject matter. Attention is focused on the relationship. The discussion can only continue constructively when and if the relationship is mended.
Here are some simple clues as to the ego state sending the signal. You will be able to see these clearly in others, and in yourself:
Parent
Physical - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronising gestures,
Verbal - always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronising language, posturing language.
N.B. beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear 'Parental'.
Child
Physical - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
Adult
Physical - attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.
Verbal - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realise, I see, I believe, in my opinion.
And remember, when you are trying to identify ego states: words are only part of the story.
To analyse a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well.
- Only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken.
- 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
- 55% is in facial expression. (source: Albert Mehrabian - more info)
There is no general rule as to the effectiveness of any ego state in any given situation (some people get results by being dictatorial (Parent to Child), or by having temper tantrums, (Child to Parent), but for a balanced approach to life, Adult to Adult is generally recommended.
Transactional Analysis is effectively a language within a language; a language of true meaning, feeling and motive. It can help you in every situation, firstly through being able to understand more clearly what is going on, and secondly, by virtue of this knowledge, we give ourselves choices of what ego states to adopt, which signals to send, and where to send them. This enables us to make the most of all our communications and therefore create, develop and maintain better relationships.
Based upon the Transactional Analysis theory, we have developed what we call the "Fighting Rules". But please do not wait to try and use them when you start fighting. Instead, utilize these guidelines as the basis for all of your communication so that you are able to communicate effectively As you progress, you will develop some patterns that work specifically for you and your partner.
Fighting Rules Considerations:
- Talk about one issue at a time and clearly articulate the issue up front before the conversation starts. Also, talk about the issue; do not attack each other. In other words, talk about the issue before you begin to assess blame or find fault in your spouse. This will allow you to stay on topic and share ownership in the issue.
- Focus on your non-verbal communication skills. 65% of the messages we send are in our inflection, tone, timing, and body language.
- Take control of the conversation. Begin to recognize patterns in your dialogues. Document what your triggers are so that when you see the conversation is getting off track, becoming hostile or simply failing you stop, clarify, regroup, (apologize if necessary) and start again.
- Hold hands when you are having important conversations. We have found that touch can be a powerful communication tool. When the conversation starts to derail, or you need to say something that you think may be difficult for your spouse to receive, ask to hold their hand. Simply holding their hand will help you to remember that you love each other and both have the same priorities.
- FYI: Anger is a secondary emotion. If you find yourself becoming angry in the conversation, ask yourself WHY you are feeling this way. If you learn to identify your feelings as they arise during the conversation, you will better be able to articulate your ideas to your spouse.
- Remember that as humans we have a natural fight or flight response. Knowing which one you resort to in times of crisis will make your communicating easier for you.
- Sometimes, well, I'll just go on and say it, more often than not, it is better to be happy than right! Practice selflessness in your relationship and pick your battles wisely. You do not need to get into a verbal altercation over every detail of every day. Some issues you need to wait out until you can clearly address a specific pattern or behavior. Then you can have an informed conversation with your spouse and talk about a resolution rather than nitpicking, nagging or creating a generally hostile environment.
Fighting Rules:
- Stay on topic, one topic at a time
- Never use absolute statements: You NEVER help me, you ALWAYS say, You CONSTANTLY make me feel
- Don't talk about each other's families or make personal attacks
- Don't bring up old stuff
- Control your non-verbal communication
- Remember that both of you are on the same team
- Think about your timing in starting the conversation
- Keep others out of your arguments. Do not share your arguments, disappointments or frustrations with each other with family and friends. You two will make up long before your family members will forgive and forget.
Pattern for Dialogue:
Speaker #1: I would like to address this issue. This is my opinion.
Speaker #2: I heard you say, your opinion about this issue. Is that accurate?
Speaker #1: YES, it is. OR NO, what I said/meant was this. (The conversation cannot move forward until Speaker #2 can articulate the issue and opinion of Speaker #1 accurately.)
Speaker #2: I apologize for any role I may have played in this issue and the resulting feelings you had. My opinion is THIS.
Speaker # 1: I accept your apology. What I heard you say was Your Opinion. Did I hear you correctly?
Speaker #2: YES, it is. OR NO, what I said/meant was this. (The conversation cannot move forward until Speaker #2 can articulate the issue and opinion of Speaker #1 accurately.)
The conversation continues like this until all feelings/information on this one issue have/has been communicated and addressed.
Speaker #1: I would like to see us take this action based upon this conversation. Do you agree?
Speaker #2: Yes I agree, OR No, I do not agree and would like to add or change your recommendation.
Speaker #1: I agree.
If new topics for discussion arise in your conversation, keep a running list but do not deviate from the current topic until a resolution has been met. List out your resolutions, write them down so that both of you can refer back to it. As a couple you are holding each other responsible for following through with your resolutions.
